Admitting When You’re Wrong

by Charles F. Stanley

As parents, we are to model unconditional faithfulness to God. But at times, that can seem overwhelming. We immediately think of our mistakes and wonder how they might adversely affect our children. How do our shortcomings fit with the goal of being a positive role model and showing our kids how to follow God faithfully? Do our failures short-circuit the entire process?

One afternoon I walked into my son Andy’s room to mention something to him - I noticed the sun shining through his window onto a piece of furniture. Not wanting the dark colors of the upholstery to fade, I walked over to close the curtains. I did not notice, however, that on the floor was his jade chess set. As I walked to the window, I stepped right in the middle of the board and sent the pieces flying in every direction. In my characteristic manner, I said, “Andy, you should not put your chess set on the floor. It could get broken that way.”

A few minutes later he walked into my study and leaned against the door. I looked up and asked him what he needed. With a look of concern on his face he said, “Do you realize you just walked into my room, kicked my chess set all over the floor, scolded me for how I chose to arrange my room, walked out, and never said anything about being sorry for the mess you made?”

Fortunately for me, he was not really mad. In fact, we both felt amused as we began to think about what had happened. After I apologized, he made an interesting comment. He said, “You know, if you had defended yourself, I would have really lost respect for you.” With that he turned and went back to his room.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I thought of what could have happened to my relationship with Andy over something as trivial as knocking over chess pieces. Then I thanked the Lord for helping me to see my error and giving me the courage to apologize.

Some parents attempt to hide their mistakes. Usually, they are trying to protect the image they feel responsible to uphold—the perfect parents who have their act completely together and can handle anything at any time. But the fact is that we should not be afraid to admit our failures and mistakes to our children. As my experience with Andy illustrates, we do more to hurt our reputation with our kids by covering up than by confessing.

As children grow older, they see through their parents’ efforts to cover up faults. As bad as it may be wrong to make a mistake, to avoid owning up is far worse. Children do not understand adults’ motivation behind covering up failures. To them, it appears only that their mom or dad cannot admit to being wrong.

Being There

I believe one of the major reasons parents try to cover up mistakes has to do with a misunderstanding about the spiritual life. We tend to have a product mentality. That is, we feel pressed to present ourselves, especially to our children, as men and women who have “arrived”—people who have their act together in every respect: socially, physically, and spiritually.

God does not expect you to have “arrived” in any area. In fact, He makes it very clear that you will never be all you can be in this life (Rom. 8:18-25). That being the case, to have a goal of modeling a “finished product” is to set yourself up for failure and fraud.

If anyone could have claimed to be a product of what Christianity was all about, it would have been the apostle Paul. Yet, referring to spiritual maturity, he was quick to say, “Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on” (Phil. 3:12a).

Paul did not view himself as someone who had arrived. He didn’t want anyone else thinking of him that way either—not even the people under his leadership. However, a few verses later, he told them to follow his example: “Brethren, join in following my example, and observe those who walk according to the pattern you have in us” (Phil. 3:17).

How can this be? Paul realized that God was more interested in whether he was involved in the process of becoming all he could. He understood that the ultimate question for the concerned Christian was not Have you arrived? but Are you arriving?

Are you in the process of being conformed to the image of Christ? Are you becoming all God wants you to be? Paul had no problem asking the Philippians to follow his example because he was modeling a process, not a product. So even with his imperfections and openness about them, he was able—with a clear conscience—to present himself as their role model.

We have all been tempted at times to fall back on that old saying, “Do what I say, not what I do.” And we know that does not work in child rearing. Maybe we should change it to say, “Seek what I seek, and strive for what I’m striving for.” When parents lead by example, their children are more likely to follow.

Adapted from “How to Keep Your Kids On Your Team” (2000).