Conflict & Criticism

How to Hande Them Wisely

By Charles F. Stanley

Have you ever experienced conflict with another person? Of course you have—we all have at one time or another.

In fact, it may seem as though you are always in the midst of some tense, troubled relationship. None of us enjoy these stressors, and yet we may actually be the reason for some of them!

Disagreement is a part of life. Regardless of where we live, work, or play, and whether we are surrounded by friends, family, co-workers, or strangers, we will all face conflict in our daily lives. Seeking ways to escape it is essentially pointless. Yes, we may avoid it from time to time, but there is no way to completely remove discord from our life. Therefore, the question is not, How do we remove conflict? but rather, How do we deal with it?

What’s the Cause?

The first step toward properly handling conflict and criticism is to discover their source. Let’s take a look at just a few key areas that create interpersonal stress.

First, many disputes arise out of simple differences of opinion. This is probably the most common cause, because we all tend to have opinions on everything. As every married couple knows, a situation as simple as a husband and wife disagreeing over what to eat for dinner has the potential, if handled incorrectly, to lead to a bitter argument.

A second key factor is miscommunication. This happens when a person hears something that is completely different from what the other individual meant. Unless there is clarification, the matter could grow into a deep sense of betrayal, simply because each person misunderstands the other’s opinion.

Third, relationships are often torn apart because of envy, jealousy, and gossip. This is a common consequence of miscommunication. If hurtful information is broadcast, not only does it spread quickly, but it also damages the victim’s reputation and witness.

Next, tensions can arise from one’s deep, abiding convictions. This is frequently seen in the way unbelievers treat people of faith. Despite the grace-giving message of the gospel, believers are commonly portrayed as isolated, elitist, and “holier than thou.” This can be a critical blow to a humble Christian who is honestly trying to reach the world for the Lord.

Finally, conflict can result from one’s own personal baggage. When someone has been physically or sexually abused, he or she can develop feelings of worthlessness and unwarranted guilt—which often linger in the back of the mind and affect everyday decisions. When that is the case, an innocent comment may trigger an explosive outpouring of frustration and defensiveness, which can devastate relationships and upset the lives of all involved.

Being able to identify the reason behind criticism or disagreement is often the most difficult aspect of conflict resolution. But it is important that we learn to recognize such triggers, as understanding brings healing. The other person may very well have a legitimate reason for being displeased, and we can gain tremendous insight into our actions and attitudes when we stop to examine ourselves through someone else’s eyes.

Our Unhealthy Response

In a misguided effort to appear “more Christian,” we at times make the terrible mistake of repressing other people’s criticism. That is, we act as if nothing has happened, simply ignoring the comment and pretending their words have no impact on us, regardless of how much they hurt. Far from being a cure, this only delays and exaggerates our eventual reaction to the problem.

We might also respond by blaming other people while denying any personal responsibility in the issue at all. No matter what the problem may be, we convince ourselves that it is someone else’s fault. In this, we take on the role of the victim and excuse ourselves from any accountability whatsoever. These selfish inclinations only alienate us further from those who have challenged us in the first place.

These reactions are clearly unhealthy, so why do we naturally resort to them time and again? There are a variety of reasons, ranging from old emotional scars and a personal sense of perfectionism to flat-out pride and arrogance. No one but Jesus has ever been perfect; therefore, we’ll never respond to disapproval perfectly. However, facing our unhealthy responses head-on is a key step toward handling conflict wisely.

Painful Consequences

When we approach disagreements in these unhealthy ways, we create larger problems in our personal and spiritual lives. For example, a poor response to criticism limits our potential to grow. Pride and perfectionism subtly convince us that we are always right—but if that were true, then there would be nothing we need to learn.

As a result, our minds can become locked doors that will not accept any new information. If we allow that to happen, we are essentially shutting ourselves away from the lessons that God may wish to teach us. Being unteachable amounts to a rejection of His sovereign control over our lives. After all, if we are never wrong, then why do we need God to watch over us?

All of this prevents us from discovering who we really are. Without acknowledging our weaknesses, mistakes, and failures, we can never really see our own character. Instead, we will know only the pretentious person that we portray to other people.

This, of course, damages relationships with other people. In fact, having any meaningful relationships will be difficult. We all know what this is like. How can we have rapport with a person who simply refuses to acknowledge a mistake? When someone reaches that stage in life, he or she cannot get along with anyone, whether it is a spouse, child, friend, or co-worker.

This is happening all around us. In our homes and workplaces, we notice individuals who have driven everyone away. These people seem to harbor nothing but anger, bitterness, and mistrust toward everyone else. They are simply unable to engage in an active give-and-take relationship because they have hidden themselves away from the world through their arrogant and exclusive attitudes.

The Wise Response

Clearly, we oftentimes don’t do a good job of responding to conflict and criticism, and poor responses endanger every part of our lives. How, then, can we handle these things wisely?

Philippians 1:12-18 presents a wonderful picture of godly conflict management. Paul faces his circumstances of imprisonment and unfair allegations with the utmost integrity. Despite the hardships in his life, the apostle refuses to surrender the joy that he found in the Lord. Rather than secluding himself in the far corner of his prison cell, he actively engages his fellow prisoners and Roman guards in Christ-centered discussions. As a result, Paul explains, “the whole praetorian guard and . . . everyone else” has become aware of the gospel. In this, he rejoices.

By responding in the right way, Paul managed not only to glorify God but also to share the saving message of Jesus Christ with his accusers. From his example, we see that the way we handle conflict has implications on two planes: our relationship with God and our relationships with other people.

Responding to God

When we face rebuke, our first response should be to ask the Lord to put a seal on our lips and a guard at our mouths (Psalm 141:3). Too often, our inclination is to answer criticism with a verbal onslaught against the person behind the comment. We get hot-headed, angry, and impatient with others and will say anything to defend ourselves against the rebuke.

Reactions like this can cause irreparable damage to our Christian witness because they are spoken from a totally self-centered viewpoint. Asking God to seal our lips for a time lets us prayerfully consider the appropriate response before ever opening our mouths. This way, we can be certain we have given the Lord an opportunity to deal with us in the specific areas that are under scrutiny.

We should also ask the Lord to give us discernment to fully understand what is happening. Frequently, conflict or criticism seems to attack us unexpectedly. When our minds are spinning with questions, only the Holy Spirit can enable us to see through the shock and gain clear perspective on the issue at hand.

Ultimately, we must accept the difficult challenge of viewing the reprimand as coming from God. Now, this does not mean that we should blame Him for every bad thing that happens to us, and it certainly does not mean that the Lord sends pain and temptation against us. However, despite what happens to us, we know that for some reason, God has allowed it.

When we experience shock or pain, we usually focus our attention on those who have hurt us. However, in doing this, we leave God out of the matter entirely. If we view the conflict as coming through Him, then we are in a better position to discover the way He would want us to respond. Then, we can begin to understand the reasons He allowed the experience in the first place.

Responding to People

While we certainly need to deal with conflict on a spiritual level, we can’t ignore the practical ways in which we should respond to the people who criticize us. Let me offer five simple steps for safeguarding your relationships during times of discord:

Be quiet. Don’t get loud and defensive. Restrain emotional outbursts, and simply listen to the critique. Avoid saying anything you are likely to regret later.

Do not defend yourself immediately. Don’t give in to a prideful response. Allow yourself time to process the remark and let the emotional shock pass before you offer any defense.

Ask the Holy Spirit to show you if the problem is your fault. We don’t like this step! However, we aren’t perfect, so there’s always the possibility that we are to blame. If it is your fault, seek forgiveness from the other person immediately.

Forgive those who wrong you. Discovering that you are not at fault doesn’t free you from any responsibility. It is still your job to lovingly and proactively forgive the offender.

Protect yourself from repeated conflict. Examine the situation thoroughly and do whatever is necessary to prevent it from happening again.

Responding wisely to disagreement enables us to take advantage of the ordeal. We can do this two ways. First, we can use times of criticism and conflict as learning experiences. These moments enable us to clearly see the basic personalities of those around us, and provide opportunities to learn how to get along with them better. Second, discord allows us to demonstrate the life of Christ to others by the way we react.

 

In this four-part series from Dr. Stanley, you’ll focus on four challenging areas: your health and self-worth, dealing with temptation, overcoming trials, and handling conflict in relationships.

Wisdom’s Way

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